Why Hello There

Welcome to my little corner of the matrix.

A corner where judgement meets understanding. Where anyone and everyone deserves to feel the joy that comes from connecting to and creating our own environments.

Where we laugh, cry and discuss all the ways we can offer help by having understanding and grace for others and ourselves.

The idea for this blog started out as a way to discuss the importance of gardening and how incorporating nature into all the nooks and crannies of our lives brings more fulfillment.

After almost three months of working through my own imposter syndrome, I’ve began to wonder how many others are hindered by their own self-doubt. My research into gardening slowly shifted to self-improvement and the realization that there was no way I could more forward with this without working on myself at the same time.

Like… really working on myself. Enough of the mirror affirmations and vision boards and shallow attempts at self love that only lasted for a few days, weeks, months… only to be trumped by the true lack of self-understanding that would always bring me back down.

Sometimes we can be so caught up in our own traumas and insecurities, even our own well-meaning efforts at self-love feel like imposters themselves.

The truth is, we all have love within us and we can all use that love for better.

Okay, wait.. before you click away, hear me out. I’ve spent decades of my life believing the woo-woo mindset of “love yourself and others will love you”, “just have faith and the universe will provide”. This is NOT what I’m talking about.

Let me show you in a no bullshit sort of way that those statements are absolutely true but it takes more than good vibes to achieve it.

Before I get too ahead of myself, I’m sure you’re wondering who the fuck I am and why you should spend your precious time listening to what I have to say.

Allow me to introduce myself.

Second time around

CLICK HERE FOR ABRIDGED VERSION

Hi. I’m Alison. A middle-aged, Midwestern mom who threw in the towel on a traditional job to build a career of fulfillment. Twice.

Ten years ago I walked into a local college advisor’s office and told him I wanted his help to become a photographer for National Geographic. I was a single mother who loved photography with an associate’s degree under my belt (entrepreneurship) and had just quit her cute little 8-5 banking job to plunge head first into her dreams.

Until then, I thought I wanted to focus on portrait photography. After doing a few weddings and family photo sessions, I started to notice my favorite shots weren’t the ones I knew my client would chose to hang above their fireplace, but the tiny moments gone unseen.

My focus shifted from traditional portraiture to the lifestyle approach. While I loved spending my days photographing my then five-year-old, I wanted to take my art further… tell stories other people would want to hear.

Enter Nat Geo … the publication I’d been drawn to since I was a little farm girl dreaming of the amazing world to behold. Obviously I was going to shoot for the stars. I was all in.

The counselor was impressed with my forethought and said they could absolutely help me achieve my dreams. The journalism program was one almost all local reporters came from and had the best faculty and staff to help me get exactly where I wanted.

I missed the memo that I’d be, like… fully responsible for following through on that dream. Sure dreams are wonderful and required as the first giant leap for mankind and all, but where’s the confidence lesson on how to keep going when things seem impossible? We’ve all read the famous speech about a certain man’s dream but unfortunately that type of tenacity just can’t be taught.

Sure it sounded beautiful to become a photographer for National Geographic, but school humbled and eventually disheartened me. I worked my ass off getting all my assignments done, working at the school newspaper, photographing at a local magazine, editing an online magazine. But, so did everyone else. Everyone around me was so confident and sure of themselves while I was always questioning my work and truly, my self.

Being an independent, single mom remained my focus throughout college and even after graduating. Sure I had so many amazing opportunities and met so many amazing, inspirational people. I produced work that impressed my professors and even myself!

But that doubt. That dread that you aren’t good enough.

How does a single mom make enough to provide for herself and her child with a minimum wage job in television or print?

How am I even going to travel anywhere as a single mother to take photos of these amazing places, tell these amazing stories?

But, remember your classmates? I’m sure they’ll do all the work. Most of them had great opportunities lined up, they’ve got this!

Excuses. Self-pity. Bullshit.

I convinced myself it was going to be way too much work and I already just did SO much work in school. How could I keep going? And to go at it even harder? Plus, like… everyone I knew was going off to do amazing stuff. We can’t all succeed right?

I did everything required to get my degree but once it was all said and done I didn’t think I had the fuel in me to reach those goddamn stars. I bailed on my dreams.

I know college is a true jumping off point for so many individuals, but I was spent. I decided to focus on just getting a job to get by. Again. Maybe, someday, I could do something with my photography.

All of a sudden it’s a decade later and I’m still that same mother, and photographer (at heart)… and wouldn’t-you-gosh-darn-know-it, I found myself conveniently back in an adorable little 8-5 job still feeling depleted and creatively dead inside.

Sure I’ve got a husband and another beautiful child under my belt this time around (and a stable career providing more monetarily than I expected), but that same longing for telling stories is there, just shoved down a little bit further.

It all boils up eventually

Nearly three months ago, I joined the more than 53 million Americans in the Great Resignation. There wasn’t a term for it back in 2012 but I guess a decade of division and a global pandemic really change how humans look at their lives.

I’m simply one of many who are taking a leap and trusting there’s more to life than your career. That fulfillment can come from every day and every action we take, not from a job title.

Once someone reaches that breaking point, things tend to shift pretty quickly. Within a week’s time, the decision was made, my two-week notice was given and I’m Googling “stay at home jobs” like a mad woman. Wait… I already have journalism experience, why am I trying to find yet another job working for another company that isn’t mine?

How did I go from chasing my dreams to giving up and a decade later deciding to take a second shot at it?

Oh, the pandemic changed your life too?

We’re all together on this planet and we all went through it. Everyone over the age two has a pandemic story. Mine isn’t anything special but the context may help you understand how I came to be where I am today.

Early 2020, before the virus had even been spoken of (at least on the mainland), my life was already changing drastically… I was newly married and pregnant with my second daughter while my first child was in her last semester of sixth grade. Lockdown hit in March and sixth grade was finished online. Little did we know, the two-week lockdown would turn into two years of social distancing.

Working at a heating ventilation and air conditioning (HVAC) company during this time meant I was an essential worker and our essential business was never threatened to close with the mandates or surges in cases. I was privileged to still have a job and income during this rough time. Work remained my constant as life around me was evolving.

Fall of 2020 rolled around, ‘rona cases seemed go be going down and things tried to go back to normal. I was scheduled for a cesarean section in mid-September and, being the cautious family we were, we enrolled our pre-teen in online school to protect our growing family.

New Baby, New Life?

Well, sort of. Not gonna lie, I fully intended to make the change then… seeing that beautiful, perfect, healthy little baby my husband and I brought into this world really put life into perspective. I wanted nothing more than to be able to stay at home with my brand new baby and live my life as a mom, wife, gardener, photographer. Going back to an 8-5 job when the pandemic was getting worse, once again, seemed like torture.

Some of these fingers are only a few days old

In a blink of two months I was back at work. My mental health took a real dive with postpartum depression/general exhaustion/mom-brain/pandemic anxiety and I had no drive inside of my to pursue any sort of career change at that time. Maternity leave was over and it was time to suck it up, buttercup!

A new year rolled around and life continued on as “normal” as things could be. Slowly my family and I felt comfortable enough to loosen our own social distancing guidelines and things seemed to be moving back to normal. No more masks, no more closures or mandates and yup, no more will to live.

Wait, what? Not sure where that came from so quickly… Maybe it was the monotonous daily grind or the eternal feeling as if I wasn’t being my true self, but in August 2022 it crept up on me to the point where I could no longer ignore it.

Any other OKlama stans?

Gardening blog, self-help blog or Kendrick Lamar super-fan blog? How about all three…

If you haven’t heard of him, Kendrick Lamar (K.Dot, OKlama) can be your idol too! Oh wait, he’s Not Your Savior. I digress.

A little Kendrick background for those of you saying, “Huh?”:

Growing up on foods stamps in Compton, Calif., Lamar was inspired to start rapping when he saw Dr. Dre and Tupac Shakur filming a music video in his neighborhood. Twenty-five years later the hip hop idol had a Pulitzer Prize under his belt and three Billboard number one albums.

Kendrick Lamar performs at the Top Dawg Entertainment Championship Tour in Chicago in July 2018.

Even a Midwestern, white girl can relate. Sure, my OKlama fandom may surprise you but I’ve found a connection so many people obviously feel. When Lamar released his latest album in May 2022, my soul was touched.

“Mr. Morale & the Big Steppers (MM&TBS)” speaks on the trauma of his own life in such a way it can’t help but trigger your own shit. Kendrick and I couldn’t be more different but as I bopped (and cried) along to that first listen of the new album in May 2022, I felt more connected to him and truly everyone than I have before. It got me to reflect on where I came from, where I was now and just where I wanted to be in my life.

In case you want to hear someone else’s take on just how epic MM&TBS is - check out this awesome video essay from Mintrom Movies…

His raw honesty in all his vulnerabilities made me wonder how much my own shit was holding me back. It sparked a tiny fire in my soul that there was something bigger and better for me than fireplace sales.

That daily grind though, sometimes you’re so deep in it it’s impossible to see any way out. I was clueless that this “life changing” album (yes, that is what I told my coworkers who rolled their eyes) would actually be part of the push toward freedom and growth within myself.

Change comes when you least expect it

So, what the hell does Kendrick Lamar have to do with me quitting my job to start blogging? Never thought the two would collide either…

Well, you bet your bottom dollar I was queued up to that Ticketmaster website on May 20, 2022, patiently waiting to purchase the best MM&TBS concert tickets I could afford. After two long years of waiting, my husband and I planned our first out of town trip to see Mr. Lamar is person at his first tour in years. Little did I know my whole life was about to be turned upside down.

I knew the concert couldn’t possibly exceed my ridiculous expectations but there was a glimmer of hope that some wild shit might go down. Maybe some kind stranger would hand us VIP tickets in the street, maybe K.Dot would see me in the crowd and give another white girl a shot on stage, maybe we’d all ascend to the fourth dimension together!

Or maybe my life changing moment would be more subtle.

Communication is key. Miscommunication only breeds mistrust and disrespect. They say having a grandparent as a primary caregiver has its benefits and drawbacks. We were so stoked to be on our way to a weekend of fun when our hearts sank in disappointment because of some actions of my mom, who was watching our girls, decided to take.

Our parenting concerns seemed to hit a breaking point where communication ended. A point of no return. Our girls were safe (had a fabulous weekend actually) but our respect for my mom’s ability to care for our girls as we had asked was disregarded.

Call it the “Universe” or just a culmination of feeling a loss of parental control, we knew something had to change. And of course it all had to go down on my big night! My favorite artist! A trip out of town with my love!

Headed to the show the show with a heavy heart, I was ready to let loose and try forget about the day. Leave it to the G.O.A.T. to really throw it into perspective.

Kendrick Lamar performing on stage at Mr. Morale & the Big Steppers tour in St. Paul, Minn., in August 2022.

The. Show. Was. Incredible. (Apparently I wasn’t the only one to think that.) I think being disheartened from all that was going down with my mom and my continued search for my own self and purpose made me even more open to receiving the message Lamar was delivering.

The man has come from nothing and now has everything, YET: he’s still dealing with his past, his traumas, the same traumas so many of us share and are too caught up in the daily struggles to even acknowledge. Healing can only come from yourself and come from within. Everyone has the capabilities to live their dreams and achieve their goals, as long as you work through your own shit.

Hey! I had dreams! I had goals! I even had an entire degree behind my passion in photography and journalism. But frick, dude… I did have some stuff to work on.

My own traumas, my own relationships, my own mental health and my own self were the real things holding me back. I was done questioning what type of person I was and decided to just fucking DO IT already!

Growth only comes in the un-comfortableness

First things first, I wanted to be the best mom I could be. The breakdown in communication between my mom and my husband and I catapulted me into mom role, first and foremost.

My mother had so graciously agreed to watch my first child for over a decade while I was a single mother earning my degrees in business management and photojournalism and working full time.

My second child was a different story. This time I was financially stable, had a good job and even a husband to act as a father! The decade that passed since having my firstborn showed me what type of parenting I wanted to uphold and gave me the confidence that I could be the mother I always wanted to be, dreams and all.

This would mean letting my mom be grandma rather than caregiver.

Oh, and if I was going to seriously pursue my dreams of becoming a published photographer and writer, I’d need to quit my job.

A sailboat on Lake Champlain, New York. September 2022

We got home Sunday after the concert, Monday my teenager started high school… one week later I’m putting in my two week notice and a week after that my loves and I are in northern New York visiting my other half’s family.

Within three weeks I went from dead inside and unfulfilled to more alive and excited that I’ve felt in years.

It’s been a roller coaster of three months. From eagerness and anticipation to fear, doubt, worries and judgement to reflection, acceptance and (sort of) confidence.

I know this time around I can and will be the one who’s telling your story. My story. As many little stories as I can to shine light on things others tend to miss…

And here we are…

Which leads me to this blog. Sure, I could bust my ass trying to get another job at another company fulfilling someone else’s dreams (and pocketbooks)… but I’ve learned through my own unfulfillment that I have way too many grand ideas to just work for someone else.

Three months in and I’m finally pushing publish on my first blog post. I’ve had this draft going for over a month and the content of this post has changed drastically. I’m glad I’ve been able to sift through my imposter syndrome to get to the core of my purpose: To use my own experiences in growth and self-realization to help others.

I know this post is massive and if you’ve made it this far, bless your soul (fo’ real). I also know this post is only the tip of iceberg, I’ve got so much more to share with you about myself and those who I’ll be helping with my writing and storytelling.

Consider me a Midwest, middle-aged mom and wife who can somehow relate self-growth to gardening and Kendrick Lamar. Stay tuned for more REALISTIC ways to empower yourself and see the significance of helping others do the same.

In a world of division, let’s come together to offer a space for those who can’t find their own voice. Let’s be honest and real with how we can all overcome the challenges of modern life with self-growth, acceptance and creating a connection back to the Earth which gives us life.